Nine steps to your heart
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: Just nine


One.

I had given up any hope. It looked like it would remain a simple dream, an utopia. Years were passing fast and I just found myself staring at the others with envy. An ounce of regret in my smiles. I was getting older. I knew that some day it would be too late, and over. Perhaps there was a reason, I didn't deserve the privilege to live it. Life isn't always fair, there's so much cruelty.

But a day changed my life. I realized I had been wrong and wasn't holding the right one in my arms. Will made me feel alive, comforting my injured heart. I remember everything, I want to keep it in my mind. When you have the chance to find love, don't let it go away, hold it tight.

It hadn't been easy, especially for Grace but she stayed quiet and nodded. I'm sure she's still bitter but will never say it. I think she understood and saw that at last, I was happy.

The first step passed unnoticed under the blue sky of our kisses, his fingers on my skin. There's nothing more appealing than a whole new beginning. Mine was with Will.

Two.

It's when I knew you were. It didn't cross my mind until I saw the line. Pure, perfect, hopeful. As beautiful as a smile. So quiet, so calm. I was alone when I got the sign. I didn't want to take him through the whirl of my tears once I would see that one more time, there would nothing left to be. Yes I did cry as a matter of fact when I realized.

But my eyes were shining like glimmering stars.

It was Christmas time, the streets were full of life, a soft music playing in the background. I felt like I had entered the world of those fairytales my mother used to read when I was five. Magic and bright, so far from the reality I had been stuck in during those previous years. How I loved my life.

I told them for Christmas Eve, I had just thought it could be the right time. Grace hugged me tight although she had been caught up by surprise. She may have thought it wouldn't last but things were obviously turning into a whole different light.

Curiously I had never really imagined how it could be, how I would feel when it happened and that this time, it would be my turn. We plunge in the unknown and let the wind guide our souls. We would fly together, the four of us, and reach the clouds. Will would press my hand, I would take him in my arms.

Three.

It's all in your heart by then. Anyway it's a matter of feelings, a kiss under the rain. You never hurt me, slightly made me know you were there. It was all so perfect. I remember that Will told me once there was a step to reach for everything and how proud he was that he would do it with me. He's so sweet with me. With you. What did I do to deserve him? Even though Jack keeps on saying I must be blind or something, I just belong to him.

I didn't do a lot by then and spent most of my time thinking about you. I wished I could kiss your cheeks, feel you against me. Never let you go away and whisper over and over that you're my biggest dream. The only one I really wanted to see being granted.

You're in my heart, in every inch of skin. I just have to look at you so that my worries vanish. The third step is just another one to learn about you. A move forward to know how I love you.

Four.

The plane took off and I found myself alone. For the first time I realized how fragile I could be, without him. He left me behind with a single kiss. I missed the heat of his body next to me, every night. Our Wednesday evenings cuddled up on the couch, his arms on my shoulders. He's so protective.

I know you felt the pain and almost gave up. You scared me so much. What do you want I to do if you're not around me? Why shouldn't I stop breathing and leave? I thought you cared about me as I cared about you. I went through many moods, I'm so sorry it hurt you.

There's nothing more difficult than to live it alone. Grace and Jack were there, trying their best to light up my face. In vain. A month without Will and my heart tipped over. How weak we can be when something is missing, someone. I was sleeping when I felt a hand on my stomach, caressing my skin.

I opened my eyes and buried my fears. He was back. Next to me.

Five.

It's time to make plans and enjoy it. To feel that you're alive and healthy. It's a step that means a lot, a stage that has been reached. It's when I saw Stanley in the middle of the street, one morning. He didn't say a word, just observed me. I never wanted to cause him any sorrow, nor blame him for anything. It only happened to be Will.

There's a ring on my finger that I got at this exact time. It's not a wedding ring, just a promise. The symbol of a life, a whole story. My heart would stop beating if I would come to take it off. It's the essence of our love, all the road up to you. Will gave it to me on a Friday afternoon.

« There's no particular reason except that I love you. »

Did you feel my heart tighten and tears well up in my eyes? Did you get all the care that he brought to my soul? Did you just understand how beautiful a life could be when love was found and reached?

Six.

You took me with you towards an ocean of fears. The immensity of the sea, those waves I was afraid to hit like a brick wall standing in front of me. It would never be the same, now. Whatever happened. You had engraved a message on my heart that not even time would be able to erase.

I spent a lot of nights crying in the darkness, in silence, I didn't want Will to wake up. Nor worry him when obviously life kept on going. There's a special connection between you and I, it goes beyond a smile, I can't explain it. The sixth step is awkward and need to be comforted. You let me know you are, it's an awesome feeling.

I just remember it was raining and the light of the day was as pale as my skin. Grace told us to sit down, we did. I was in Jack's arms when she broke the news and I burst into tears. I didn't try to hide my feelings, not this time. Now she could understand every second of my life. We were reaching the end, she had just made the first step.

We would go hand in hand. She's my little Gracie, she's important to me.

Seven.

Time suddenly speeds up. Check-ups, shopping, appointments, booking. I never felt so tired. I had to rest and speak to you. I loved the way you used to answer, like a friendly kiss on your cheek. Short, unexpected. It was even better than all I had imagined.

I spent a lot of time with Grace, we had so much to do, to say. I was far from being a pro but I had seven steps left behind me. I could even see the last ones now, brush them softly. The wait is so long and too short actually. Would we ever be prepared when you came here?

A penny for your thoughts, a kiss for your feelings. And a whole life for your heart. I wished I could get it.

You had made me change so much, so easily. Whenever I found out a picture of me I couldn't help thinking I was staring at someone I may have known once, vaguely. I never missed high society and The Upper East Side parties. I had got something more, the warmness of your souls. To Will, to yours. There was any regret, only hope and faith.

Eight.

Everything is settled and then you get scared. It seemed you never had to stop at every step. A stage after another. Let's just breath and live, smile. I didn't like this step, it made me feel bitter. We were approaching the end, I didn't want it to end up.

What if I didn't like what had to come? If I preferred to stay backwards, and just observe, from outside. I just didn't want to make you cry. I felt confused, desperate and lonely. Will never gave up and kept on supporting me. He was so mad that there was nothing he could do. Men feel powerless and left aside.

I never broke apart nor dropped out his hand. I love too much his soul to let it go again. I owe him a lot, or even everything as a matter of fact. You decided to build these stairs for him and I. That must be a sign.

Nine.

I didn't cry or run away. You thought it was time for us to reach your heart. Nine steps, not even two full hands. And now you're there. You made me find a lot on our way. You taught me everything I needed to understand.

You showed me the right path, putting Will halfway. Do you ever realize that you make me feel alive? And happy, as I've never been before. You're carrying on some magic in your eyes. You're so beautiful, let me take your hand. I will do my best to tell you what I know. It's time for you to listen to me, to us. And live.

Live and smile, honey. My baby.


End file.
